Hail Bush!
By Ken Freeland
(Washington, DC 9-10-07) Following the
footsteps of rulers of the late Roman empire, President George W. Bush today
issued Executive Order 310.17 declaring himself a god. Facing dismal
news from General Petraeus' much-anticipated report on the disappointing results
of months of “surge” in troop deployment to Iraq, Mr. Bush was heard to say to
reporters last Friday that “there's more than one way to skin a cat.”
Fearing that even the sycophantic Democrats in Congress will no longer be able
to unconditionally support his four-and-a-half year war that has plunged Iraq
into deep chaos, subverted human rights at home and abroad, made a mockery
of international law and utterly failed to restore economic viability to
the Iraqi people, Mr. Bush clearly plans to “stay the course” by trumping
anticipated Congressional opposition to the war they have so generously
funded by recourse to divine mandate: “I've never really been much of a
believer myself,” confessed the President, as he informally chatted with
reporters at a Hollywood-style Washington studio, where he is being fitted for a
new wardrobe befitting his new status. “But you know, religion
really is not such a bad idea... as long as I get to be god.”
According to insiders, who requested anonymity, the
crafting of this Executive Order was the last piece of business -- indeed,
pundits have dubbed it the “masterpiece” -- of former Presidential Advisor Karl
Rove. They report that the work on this Executive Order was
completed by Mr. Rove just one day prior to the recent announcement of his
resignation. “The President no longer needs me to shore up his
power,” he was heard to remark on his exit, “He will have absolute and
unquestioned power from now on to do whatever he wants.” His last
instructions to the President were to issue the executive order as soon as
possible, and definitely before the Petraeus report.
While critics hotly debate whether the President has the
authority to make a unilateral claim to divine authority, reaction in Congress
was considerably cooler: “We are not in the habit of questioning executive
orders,” intoned House Majority Leader Nancy Pelosi, “And anyway, I said during
my election campaign that impeachment of this President was off the table, and I
meant it.”
US Rep. John Conyers was asked whether he would now
consider impeachment proceedings that it is the responsibility of Chair of
the House Judiciary Committee to initiate. “Look,” he replied with
something of an exasperated tone, “If I was unwilling to start impeachment
proceedings against a mere President for lying our country into an illegal
war that has taken the lives of hundreds of thousands of innocent people, what
makes you think I am going to try to impeach a god? God only knows what would
happen to us if such impeachment proceedings were unsuccessful. .. we would have
egg all over our faces.”
Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell, who is scheduled
for a 30-minute interview on Faux News this evening, is marching in lockstep
with the Republican Preseident. McConnell has introduced a resolution to the
Senate that would change the wording of the Pledge of Allegiance to “one nation
under Bush.” Explained the Senator to reporters, without a hint of irony
in his voice: “Now that we know god's name there is no reason to beat around the
bush.”
Meanwhile, Hillary Clinton responded to Bush's
announcement by shrewdly observing that “if a Republican President can be
elevated to a god this year, a Democratic president can next year.”
Clinton is reported to be organizing an “equal rights for goddesses” campaign to
buoy up feminist support for her 2008 presidential candidacy.
TV Evangelist Pat Robertson could scarcely contain his glee
at the announcement of Bush's divinity. “This represents the culmination
of our decades of work to influence the Republican Party in the direction of
dominionism,” he told reporters. “And woe unto those who grumble about the
need for separation of church and state; historically speaking,
religion never enjoyed so much social influence as when theocracy was in full
flower. We have been waiting eons for this moment. This is the
ultimate fulfillment of our mission.”
The question of protocol in addressing President Bush or
referring to him publicly has suddenly become a matter of intense concern
for those having immediate contact with the newly divinized
President. The White House Press Corps, ever anxious to curry
personal favor with the Commander-in- Chief, queried newly-appointed White House
Press Secretary Dana Perino about the appropriate way to address a
god. In a private briefing with the Corps after consulting with Mr. Bush,
Perino is reported to have suggested that clenching the right hand to the
breast, than raising the arm in an open-handed salute, while piously shouting
“Hail Bush,” would probably suffice. When unflappable White House
Correspondent Helen Thomas alertly noted the similarity of this to the
“Heil Hitler!” salute once used by Nazis, Perino is reported to have snapped
back: “You ain't seen nothin' yet!”
The question of how the divine president will be worshiped
has been the subject of much speculation. While White House plans for a
special “designer liturgy” remain under wraps, it is rumored that Vice
President Dick Cheney is burning the midnight oil working on a new
executive order to be titled “Eminent Dominion.” Insiders say that
the Vice President is planning to expropriate all peace and justice centers
around the country in order to convert them into temples of worship of the new
state religion. “Peace activists have been laughably ineffective in
stopping our wars or our usurpation of the constitutional rights of citizens,”
the Vice-President once boasted to an insider. “Generally they go right on
paying their war taxes and voting for the Democrats who support our wars... they
can't be taken seriously, they're really just a pain in the petut...
we need to convert their so-called "peace centers" to some productive
use.” When an aide suggested to the Vice-President that Congress might not
approve such blatantly confiscatory policies, Cheney reportedly retorted:
“Congress never understood me when I told them that we are not part of the
executive branch. Now that the President has openly declared his divinity,
maybe they will finally get it. They may think they can veto a president,
but if they think they can veto a god they've got another think coming!”
Wall Street's response was wildly enthusiastic:
shares of Blackwater, Kellogg Brown & Root and Wackenhut stock enjoyed
feverish trading and record gains, owing to widespread speculation that
Americans who refuse to bow to their nation's new god will likely face immediate
incarceration, and of course, that under Bush this will be privatized.
Responding to news that their stock had split twice in one
day, Blackwater CEO Erik Prince clenched his fist to chest, raised his arm
in an open handed salute, and with tears streaming down his cheeks cried
“Hail Bush.”
Ken Freeland is a lifelong antiwar
activist who lives in Houston, Texas
this satire may be redistributed if all oriiginal text is kept intact
and proper authorship is attributed: original source -- www.kenfreeland. net
Ken Freeland is a lifelong antiwar activist who lives in Houston, Texas
